A few days ago Emma received a call from her son Andrew’s school. Lately Andrew had been getting into trouble with various teachers for his attitude. When Emma talked to him about this behaviour, he muttered something under his breath and rolled his eyes – apparently letting her know that he will always be smarter than she. With no straight answers from Andrew, Emma paid her son’s teachers a visit.
It turns out that Andrew was disrupting class, yet not taking the blame for the disruptions. Some of these disruptions were distracting other students, making jokes when the teachers asked questions, being the ‘class clown’ and using sarcastic remarks with the teachers. When the teachers tried to discuss this with him, Andrew was either simply silent or he blamed other people for his outbursts.While on the surface Andrew looks like a cooperative boy, his actions speak a differnet tune. At times, he would even agree with the teacher yet turn around and continue his behaviour.
The behaviours that Andrew is using are often known as Passive Agressive behaviour.
Passive Agressive behaviour is a strategy some people use for coping with stress.
In Andrew’s life, his mother is very stressed with her current job and (if you recall from when we met Emma), handles her own stress in a very passive manner. His father is very busy in his fairly new position at work and hasn’t been around the family much in the past few months. While there isn’t anything on the surface of life that might be causing Andrew stress, there have been changes in his day-to-day family life that seem to be proving otherwise.
Passive Agressiveness used over a long period of time often pushes people away. It is said that this behaviour is used as a form of protection – to keep one’s self safe from rejection, insecurity or low self-esteem. Yet, instead of being protection – often this behaviour is more harmful than helpful. Many people who use a Passive Agressive coping style are reactive in nature; not allowing themselves to actually connect with how they are really feeling. This behaviour ultimately creates an uncomfortable situation for everyone yet the real issues are often missed because of the distrating behaviours.
With Andrew’s mother having a Passive coping style, there is a good chance that Andrew’s behaviours won’t be appropriately addressed. However, this behaviour can be changed.
In addition to helping Andrew change this Meta Program and addressing any beliefs that might be upholding this behaviour, Andrew could also be taught to become more responsible for his actions and reactions. Additionally, learning to be more assertive will be a great life lesson for Andrew.
Perhaps Andrew’s father James can help him with that.
Next up: Assertive Coping Style