How do you handle endings? Endings of whatever. Job, season, relationship, study…
I’ve found that there are four main ways people handle endings. Not one is better than the other, perse – just different. And if your way works for you, then keep it. If not, we’ve got these great skills within NLP that can help us to challenge our current patterns of thought, behaviour and emotion.
When something ends, we have to let our unconscious mind have time to create a new map. Remember one of the NLP Presuppositions – the map is not the territory. However, our map is our reality at any given moment. Let’s take a relationship as an example. Jane is in romantic relationship with Mark that is going well (at least for her). She has ideas, dreams and aspirations for the future with this Mark, and at least for the foreseeable future knows that they will be together for a long time. This is the map she has created about the relationship and the future with Mark. However, one day – out of the blue, Mark breaks up with Jane. Apparently he’s just “not that into herâ€.
What’s happened to her map? Her ideas, dreams and aspirations about the future? Well, it still exists. This is why some endings hurt. Jane’s map is no longer aligned with a new map that has been forced upon her. Grief, anger, sadness and many other emotions are necessary to help her to rearrange her map – or even to throw out the old and accept the new. Another NLP Presupposition to bring in here – every emotion is useful in some context.
Some people do this rearranging better than others.
While looking at different ways to handle endings, lets look at the characteristics of the behaviours we can see:
Cave Dweller
The Cave Dweller is the person who hunkers down on his or her own in order to rearrange their map. This might be escaping to their personal ‘cave’, retreating to their own inner world of thoughts and feelings or even physically escaping by hopping in the car or on a plane to other destinations. This often helps people to get a grip on their thoughts, emotions and behaviours. For some, this cave dwelling tends to look a lot like depression. If it does, then maybe it would be useful to try a different tactic.
Party Animal
The Party Animal is the person who goes out of their way to ‘forget’ the pain by escaping into a world of people and things. This might include over indulgence in food or alcohol for some. Again, this approach works for some by helping them to create a new map by living in it. For some, this approach looks and feels like denial. If it is really denial, a different approach might be warranted.
Explorer
The explorer does just that… explores. He or she explores their role in the ending (whatever the ending) and often proactively explores options. They will not often be sitting still just thinking or ruminating about what has happened, but will be more likely to looking at the past to learn from for future endeavours. The saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss†is a good one for the Explorer.
Just Another Day
The Just-Another-Day person looks like the ultimate in handling change. They tend to “roll with the punches†and move on quite easily. Often people view this person as somewhat cold or uncaring – but it is just how they progress. Some of these folks have a great ability to process information easily and learn from the past. However, if this person encounters the same kind of endings time and time again, this might mean that they are not learning how do navigate through life based on their lessons and using a different pattern might come in handy.
How do you navigate changes, in particular endings? On a personal note – I know that I’ve always been more of a Cave Dweller. I know that this only works for me up to a point – at the moment, thanks to my NLP skills and desire to do something a little different, I’m employing more of an Explorer approach. So far, so good.
When we do something well that serves us, that is a great opportunity to thank our unconscious mind and welcome our own true greatness. And, when we do something that doesn’t always serve us, this is a great opportunity to take stock and take notice of what we could do a bit differently that will help us to truly be the best we can be.
Have you noticed any other styles of handling endings? If so, please share! It’s great to learn!!