Each one of us is an individual. Or at least that’s what we think. Have you ever done something because that is what everyone else was doing? Have you ever persuaded someone else to do the same as you, just because? Have you ever not done something that you wanted to do because it wasn’t ‘cool’ or the done thing? Have you ever done something just because you wanted to even though others didn’t want you to or agree?

Most likely the answer to each of the above questions was Yes. We’re only human. And in each of those moments, and any other moments you have – who gave you permission to do something?

This might seem like an odd question, but permission is a frame (a rule) which governs so much of our lives. Who gives you permission to be your best? Who gives you permission to procrastinate? Who gives you permission to do something different? 

I was working with a client recently who was great at procrastinating. I asked him many questions during this in particular session, two of them stopped him in his tracks. The first question was:

Who gave you permission to start procrastinating?

When I asked this question he stopped, stared at me with a dazed look and then looked out of my window for a few minutes. Yes, minutes. Then he told me “I don’t have permission to procrastinate – that’s why it feels so bad when I do it. It’s like I’m breaking a rule.”   My second question was:

Do you have permission to stop feeling bad and just stop procrastinating?

It was a revelation for him to find out that he was breaking a rule in the first place, but then to find out if he had permission to not feel bad – well, his eyes started leaking a little bit! (I love when my clients cry!) Again, he stopped. He explained that he had grown up in a family of over achievers and that if someone wasn’t pulling their weight, doing their chores, helping out, etc., they were made to feel bad. He was doing this same behaviour with himself. So sitting there in my office, he offered himself the permission to stop feeling bad (it was the feeling bad that got him caught in the web of procrastination in the first place!), and to get on with whatever it was that he wanted to be doing.

I am forever amazed at how a permission frame can help. Permission to feel how you are feeling. Permission to stop an emotion or behaviour. Permission to do something (or stop something). Its interesting to notice also where the permission comes from – for example, with the client I shared about, his non-permission to break a rule came from his family background. Sometimes our permission frames are old and need to be updated.

What do you have permission to do right now?

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