People fall in and out of love all the time, don’t they? Have you ever wondered what the secret recipe is for couples who fall in love and STAY in love?
Is it just a choice thing? I think a few generations ago it was just that – a choice thing… or rather, a must thing. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that marriage was a must for so many things and divorce just wasn’t something that is done.
But now days, things are different. Its not so uncommon for people to be married, (or at least in a committed domestic relationship) a few times in their lives. So, choice still could be an ingredient for long lasting relationships. So could intimacy, respect, trust, commitment, friendship, companionship, growth, etc.
From what I’ve found in my practice, if people are willing to work on their relationship if its not so great (and even work on it when things are great) then all of this can be rebuilt and repaired if damaged. But, sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes people don’t have any steam left in their engine to keep working at it. Sometimes people can rebuild everything and still there is no spark.
Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs believes he knows the answer. The ingredient that will keep a relationship strong even through the rough patches, and from understanding his work – I think he’s right. What is that ingredient?
Love.
Let’s be more specific – romantic love… not the love you have for a pet or friend. Not the love you have for a family member or your favourite t-shirt. Romantic love. This doesn’t presuppose sparks, fireworks and endless nights of pining over each other (but, hey, it might happen!). It does presuppose that there is a desire of some romantic sort however. Whatever Romantic means to you.
An interesting concept that Dr. Harley brings up – if a couple is missing love, or if they have fallen out of love, it can be rebuilt. He talks a lot about conditioned responses and triggers which either fill up or deplete a persons Love Bank.
Let’s put this into NLP terms…
Imagine you have a Love Bank – when it is filled more than half way you have feelings of love; when it is more than half empty you have the opposite feelings. If you have read The 5 Love Languages they talk about a similar concept (maybe I’ll look at this later in the month…) but with the 5 Love Languages you have to be using someone’s specific love language to fill up the love tank… and they don’t really talk about it getting depleted – which is why I really like Dr. Harley’s concepts (combined with the Love Languages!).
As NLPers we know about Anchors (a stimulus that creates a response) and we know that anchors are often created over time. A negative anchor is an anchor that elicits an unwanted or negative response – it is these negative anchors that deplete our Love Bank! And, if there are too many negative anchors, a person’s Love Bank can run dry. Conversely, if there are plenty of positive resourceful anchors, a person’s Love Bank might overflow! (this is a good thing!!)
A few examples of a negative anchor might be a partner leaving their dirty dishes by the sink, or not caring enough to ask how their day was or being critical or grumpy. Although these behaviours are from someone else, how we respond to them is up to us.
What I have found wonderful with clients is that we have a great NLP tool called Collapsing Anchors. This is a very simple and wonderful process that helps us to get rid of negative and unwanted anchors. So, instead of getting frustrated at your husbands ‘lazy behaviour’ or your wife’s ‘incessant’ nagging… you can just take it and leave it in a nonchalant manner. Those things that used to bug you can just be let go of.
And how about the positives? Even if we stop some of the negative anchors – we still need to have bank deposits! So, this is about enhancing the current positive anchors and even creating some new anchors! With NLP you can create anchors – so whenever he gives you that smile or when she asks how your day was, these can be anchors for a positive response and a deposit in the bank.
With more deposits than withdrawals, love can be built, maintained and even recovered!
Hey – we might have actually found a way to make someone fall in love with you!!! Just find out what fills their love bank – do/say those things and viola! Love!