I hear these ‘excuses’ time and time again from people all around me. We are in a fast paced world and we want instant results. Just last night I bought a new book for my kindle and it wasn’t there within 15 seconds and I wondered if my purchase went through. After a few more ‘refreshes’ the book was magically in its place approximately 20 seconds after purchasing it.

This got me wondering: am I as impatient with normal life as I am with technology?

Generally speaking, no. I think in general I’m pretty patient – I know that everything comes with its own timing and as long as I’m engaged and active, I’ll get what I’m working toward.

A gentleman called our office the other day to enquire about NLP training. He asked me what my thoughts were about the Law of Attraction. I told him that I full heartedly know that the Law of Attraction works. He was quiet for a moment and then told me that he didn’t believe in it. I asked him what there was to “believe in” – it’s a law. What you put your focus on is what you get.

Now, here’s a bit of Heidi-vice… to me the Law of Attraction isn’t about THINGS its about energy. If I put my focus on a new car – most likely a new car isn’t going to show up in my driveway. But – I may manifest the desire for a new car enough that my energy keeps money in my bank long enough that I can buy the new car. At the very least I may put enough energy out there that I identify the kind of new car that I want.

Here’s what this guy didn’t get – once the energy is right, then it is my turn to take over. It becomes my turn to provide action. And, sometimes that action takes a while.

Lets take weight loss as an example. Most (not all) people can identify with this one. If I want to lose 10 pounds, unless I do something dramatic like cut off a limb its going to take time. Most people however want to see a dramatic result without a dramatic effort. So many people want to see the weight gone (and stay gone) without actually doing anything. I can hold my focus and vision and desire of reducing my weight by 10 pounds for as long as I can – yet without action, nothing is going to happen. And, without perseverance of that action, really nothing is going to happen.

A few weeks ago I met a woman who was on this exact journey. She claimed that every diet, exercise program, etc. didn’t work. When I asked her how long she persevered with any one specific thing, her longest stint was just over 4 weeks. She had been losing some weight, just “not enough”. What she was missing was this: she was losing weight!!! It might have taken her a whole year to put on 5 pounds, and it might take her a couple of months to get rid of it.

The same thing goes for parenting – I met a couple not long ago who wanted some new motivational techniques for their children. A few weeks later the mother called me telling me the techniques weren’t working. I asked how long they had implemented them for “oh, about a week”. It took all of my professional skills to not hang up on her! I figured I needed to use a bit of my own advice and be persistent with her.

Oh, about a week.

What actually gets done in a week? What new habits or behaviours have you ever mastered in a week? Learning to walk took longer than that. So did writing. And tying your shoes. Driving a car, playing an instrument, talking, speaking another language, making your bed. All of these things took longer than one week – probably longer than a month or two.

Depending on what book or website you read, it is said that creating a new habit takes between 10-30 attempts. Personally, I subscribe to 10-13 tries. This means, I need to persevere through 10-13 consistent times of something before it becomes a habit. For some people this might mean 10-13 days of going to the gym in a row before it becomes a habit. For some people it might be 10-13 weeks. This is exactly the reason why if a person goes to the gym for example, inconsistently 2-3 times a week it never becomes a habit. I know I’d be a lot more likely to go to the gym if I consistently made it on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next 10-13 weeks. Or, if I just went consistently every day for the next 10-13 days. It helps to get it into my muscle. It helps to get my focus and energy in the right place.

What I cannot do, and get results is to just put my mindset out there. It is a good place to start – but afterall, a goal without action will always remain just a dream.

Today, I’d like to share a little bit more about me. The purpose of doing so will hopefully get you to look inside of you and find out what is going to help get you out of your comfort zone and onto the track that will get you to your goals this year.

With my love of Heidi-Time, I find it very easy to get caught in the trap of just relaxing and lounging at home, very comfortable with my own company and my own space. Many years ago a relationship ended and I went into seclusion – not purposefully, but I found safe things to do on my own. As a result, I’m now Dr. Heidi, but also as a result I found myself quite lonely at times. Even introverts get lonely!

I did what I could to get out of my house, but would traditionally end up back on my own, with a DVD, a book or the internet for great entertainment. Looking at the ‘wheel of life’ we often use in NLP Land, every area of my life was going well, with one glaring exception – relationships. Now, my relationship with myself is good. And, my relationship with my family is good. But, my friendships with local people, not so good.

A couple of years ago I found out about a website called meetup.com – it was started in New York after 9-11 to create communities of people as support networks. Since then it has grown globally and has tons of different types of communities to get involved in. I joined Meetup.com and went to a few different activities. But, my somewhat un-useful patterns would kick in – the pattern of least resistance for me was to stay in my comfort zone – and that meant staying home. Although I met a few great people, it was easier to stay at home than to go have THAT conversation (where are you from, where do you live, what do you do…).

So, in September of 2011 I decided to start my own Meetup. 4 months on and I have 515 new ‘friends’ – most of whom I have met at some event. We are the fastest growing Meetup group in Australia at the moment and we have fun! I organise and host at least one event each week – sometimes two depending on what is going on. As few as 8 (only once, on the first Meetup) and as many as 76 people have done various things like going to the movies, dinner, lunch, drinks, walks, burlesque, etc. and, we even had a New Years Eve party! This coming weekend I currently have 110 people registered to come to a Sydney Festival event! Amazing!

I’ve been commended and thanked by the people in the group. Yesterday at a drinks/lunch event on Cockatoo Island a new guy commented “I’ve been to a lot of Meetups before, but this is the first one with ‘real’, authentic people”. I love that! I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone and I’ve done something to create more balance in my life. Sure, I’m confident and can be quite outgoing – but putting myself out there is sometimes a challenge. One thing I know for sure – not only is this experiment of “getting Heidi out of her house” helping me, it is helping so many other people to get out of their house, make friends, get involved in community and get out of their comfort zones.

I can guarantee that for the first few Meetups I hosted I had to use a lot of NLP State Management tools and calm my nerves. But now, I know that I’ll see some of my new friends that I am getting to know and I’ll meet a few new people and have THAT conversation. I also know that there is a lot more balance in my life. There is also a lot more food and alcohol, but that’s OK!

For a while I’ve been trying to find a hobby, but everything I could think of was a very ‘alone’ kind of hobby… now I have a hobby I didn’t intend – socialising.

What can you do that pushes you outside of your comfort zone and onto the track for achieving your goals, making your life even better and letting yourself soar?

I’ve found that there are four main ways people handle endings. Not one is better than the other, perse – just different. And if your way works for you, then keep it. If not, we’ve got these great skills within NLP that can help us to challenge our current patterns of thought, behaviour and emotion.

When something ends, we have to let our unconscious mind have time to create a new map. Remember one of the NLP Presuppositions – the map is not the territory. However, our map is our reality at any given moment. Let’s take a relationship as an example. Jane is in romantic relationship with Mark that is going well (at least for her). She has ideas, dreams and aspirations for the future with this Mark, and at least for the foreseeable future knows that they will be together for a long time. This is the map she has created about the relationship and the future with Mark. However, one day – out of the blue, Mark breaks up with Jane. Apparently he’s just “not that into her”.

What’s happened to her map? Her ideas, dreams and aspirations about the future? Well, it still exists. This is why some endings hurt. Jane’s map is no longer aligned with a new map that has been forced upon her. Grief, anger, sadness and many other emotions are necessary to help her to rearrange her map – or even to throw out the old and accept the new. Another NLP Presupposition to bring in here – every emotion is useful in some context.

Some people do this rearranging better than others.

While looking at different ways to handle endings, lets look at the characteristics of the behaviours we can see:

Cave Dweller

The Cave Dweller is the person who hunkers down on his or her own in order to rearrange their map. This might be escaping to their personal ‘cave’, retreating to their own inner world of thoughts and feelings or even physically escaping by hopping in the car or on a plane to other destinations. This often helps people to get a grip on their thoughts, emotions and behaviours. For some, this cave dwelling tends to look a lot like depression. If it does, then maybe it would be useful to try a different tactic.

Party Animal

The Party Animal is the person who goes out of their way to ‘forget’ the pain by escaping into a world of people and things. This might include over indulgence in food or alcohol for some. Again, this approach works for some by helping them to create a new map by living in it. For some, this approach looks and feels like denial. If it is really denial, a different approach might be warranted.

Explorer

The explorer does just that… explores. He or she explores their role in the ending (whatever the ending) and often proactively explores options. They will not often be sitting still just thinking or ruminating about what has happened, but will be more likely to looking at the past to learn from for future endeavours. The saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss” is a good one for the Explorer.

Just Another Day

The Just-Another-Day person looks like the ultimate in handling change. They tend to “roll with the punches” and move on quite easily. Often people view this person as somewhat cold or uncaring – but it is just how they progress. Some of these folks have a great ability to process information easily and learn from the past. However, if this person encounters the same kind of endings time and time again, this might mean that they are not learning how do navigate through life based on their lessons and using a different pattern might come in handy.

How do you navigate changes, in particular endings? On a personal note – I know that I’ve always been more of a Cave Dweller. I know that this only works for me up to a point – at the moment, thanks to my NLP skills and desire to do something a little different, I’m employing more of an Explorer approach. So far, so good.

When we do something well that serves us, that is a great opportunity to thank our unconscious mind and welcome our own true greatness. And, when we do something that doesn’t always serve us, this is a great opportunity to take stock and take notice of what we could do a bit differently that will help us to truly be the best we can be.

Have you noticed any other styles of handling endings? If so, please share! It’s great to learn!!

At this time of year, there is a lot talk about “what are you thankful for?”  And this is a good question. At least once a year there is a pointed question that is asking us to take stock of the goodness and life and to give thanks.

However, maybe there is a better question this year: “How are you thankful to you?”

Its great to be thankful for the home you live in, the job you do, the friends you have, and the people in your life. Yet, without the essence of YOU there wouldn’t be anything to be thankful for.

So – How are you thankful to you?

Here are some of mine – I’m thankful for a creative and swift mind. I’m thankful for my health, my humility and my humbleness. I’m thankful for my ability to learn quickly and be resourceful in many situations. I’m thankful for my communication skills and my ability to reach others and to be open enough to be reached. I’m thankful for my relationship skills and the ability to understand and be understood. I’m thankful for my body and its way of keeping me healthy and safe. I’m thankful for my interests in the mind and wellbeing – without that, I wouldn’t be where I am in life. And I am very thankful for my computer skills and my eagerness to embrace new things to learn.

Sure – I’m also thankful for the ‘stuff’ I have outside of me – but, without the acknowledgement of the ‘stuff’ I have inside of me, the outside isn’t nearly as beautiful.

I’m reminded of the saying “If its meant to be, its up to me”. I’m thankful that I am in charge of my mind and therefore my results.

How about you? How are you thankful to you?

I know people who won’t even start a relationship because of the fear that it will end. I know people who won’t change jobs because they fear the interview process. I know people who fear being wrong so they won’t make a decision. I know people who won’t step one foot out of bounds for fear of never getting back in bounds.

So the question becomes, why is fear so fearful?

What happens if you hurt yourself? What happens if it goes wrong? What happen if you mess up? What happens if people laugh at you? What happens if you can’t do it? What happens if you succeed? What happens if you become successful?

Fear. It freezes people at the core, makes them run faster than if there were are real demon chasing them and stops people for being the absolute best they can be.

Have you heard of the acronym of fear: False Expectations Appearing Real.

Yet, so many people also mistake it for: Forget Everything and Run.

What if, instead of being something to be fearful of – fear could become a friend and ally?

What?! A friend and ally?!

Yes – exactly that.

Remember two things about the unconscious mind:

1. one of the jobs of your unconscious mind is to keep you safe
2. your unconscious mind knows only good

If you can remember these two things, we can then reframe fear in a very useful way. Fear is often a warning signal from the unconscious telling us that we are on the brink of possibly being unsafe. Possibly, being the key word here. Not that we ARE unsafe, but that it is possible.

If I’m nearing the edge of a cliff, I want my emotional safety warning system to be activated and keep me away from the edge. If I am procrastinating on a big project, I want my warning system to be activated to push me into momentum. But, if I’m not actually in danger of some sort, I want to use the emotion of fear that I notice to activate me to look at what my unconscious mind is trying to communicate to me.

Instead of freezing in my tracks or running away, this is a great time to stop and take notice. Ask yourself: what is this fear trying to communicate to me?

Often, fear is trying to get us to look at what we are missing. Have you thought of everything? Do you need more information? Having this time to pause and relook at what you are doing is a great opportunity to grow and make amendments as needed.

Sometimes, when you do pause and evaluate you will find that everything is lined up, you do have the information you need and you are on the right track. At this time, you can move forward with assurance that you have indeed done all you can do.

Remember – every emotion is useful in some context. Fear isn’t always what it seems to be.

Maybe friend can be your friend and ally.  What would that be like?

You are not alone.

Most people in the world dislike conflict. Yes, most people. How do I know this? Because I don’t know one single person who likes it. Not one.

I know a lot of people who can handle it better than others, but not one person who actually can say “I like conflict”.

How is that for normalising something that most people really dislike, and the majority of people will run away from.

Over the past few weeks I have been working with a number of clients who brought to me a presenting issue of not liking conflict. Whenever I find this happening, more than 3 or 4 people presenting in a short amount of time with the same type of thing, I stand up and take notice. It gives me an opportunity to learn, grow and share what I find out.

Today, my intention of this post is to share with you the strategy that I have found for people who face conflict versus run away from it. Notice I didn’t say “people who like conflict”, again, I haven’t found a person like that.

What I have noticed is the make-up of running away from conflict and confrontation include most of the following:

• They personalisation of the conflict (associated)
• They have need to be liked
• They are prone to a Feeling type Meta Program
• They have a history (pattern) of this behaviour
• They have a fear of failure
• They think about how bad it will feel to be in the midst of conflict or confrontation

Now, not all people who dislike conflict will display all of the above – this is just what I have found since I’ve really been investigating this. When I find patterns like this arise within my clients I often ask other clients, who do not present to me about issues of conflict, about how they deal with conflict.

Time and time again I have found that when people are OK with conflict they exhibit the following ingredients that make-up their acceptance of conflict and confrontation:

• They see conflict as a natural part of life
• They see conflict as just a part of interaction and communication
• They do not take conflict personally (dissociated)
• They are often prone to a Thinker type Meta Program
• They know they will feel better when the conflict/confrontation is over

Something that was absolutely similar in both is that they DO feel better when the conflict or confrontation is complete.

Think about this – if you have something that needs to be addressed, not saying something isn’t helping. Really, confrontation and conflict is simply just a part of communication – being able to express oneself is important.

One lady that I have worked with has swallowed so much of what she wanted to say because she was so fearful of conflict that she lost her gall bladder due to an ulcer. Holding things in, especially due to a fear of “what might happen” is a huge element that adds so much to stress, overwhelm, disease and illness.

If you happen to be one of the many people who shy away from conflict – what would happen if you changed the definition you have of conflict to one that defines it as:

But, as I progressed into life… I found out that it was hard to learn and had little real life applicability.

Or so I thought.

Stemming all the way back to the late 1800′s – William James was the first to identify some meaning to eye movements. Then, from an NLP perspective, in 1977 NLP developer Robert Dilts conducted a study at the Langley Porter Neuropsychiatric Institute in San Francisco attempting to correlate eye movements to particular cognitive and neruophysiological processes. Dilts used electrodes to track both the eye movements and brain wave characteristics of subjects who were asked questions related to using the various senses of sight, sound and feeling for tasks involving memory (right brain processing) and mental construction (left brain processing). As a result of these studies, and many hours of observation of people from different cultures and backgrounds, the NLP Eye Accessing Cues were developed.

While I thought this was great information, and very useful should a question about eye movements come up in a trivia game, when I first learned about it, I was befuddled as to where it would really come in handy.

So, with contemplation and curiosity I set out to find that answer. The answer that I have now and that I share with my NLP students is this “identifying eye accessing cues helps me to ask better questions”. Sure, I can also know if someone is getting a picture, hearing a sound, feeling something or thinking something – and that helps me to communicate – but I can ask better questions. Questions that are more direct and purposeful.

For example, a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about a possible career change she is thinking about. She was at a stuck point and said to me “I just don’t know where to start”. As she said this, her eyes moved up and to MY right (Visual Remembered). And I asked her “can you remember being stuck like this before?” (based on our conversation and her eye movement, I presupposed that she was remembering a previous stuck time). She answered that yes, she had been stuck before and told me the pitfalls she had faced before and feared facing again. All of this from asking a question about what was happening inside her mind.

Depending on where her eyes had gone would change my question. Let’s look at some possible questions based on eye movements.

• Visual Construct: “What do you imagine happening?”
• Auditory Remembered: “Has someone helped guide you in the past?”
• Auditory Construct: “What are you hearing that tells you that?”
• Kinesthetic: “What emotions do you notice about being stuck?”
• Internal Dialogue: “What do you tell yourself about being stuck?”

As with anytime when I am presupposing (guessing) what is happening in someone’s mind, I might be wrong. I’m OK with that. Remember, no failure – only feedback. If have presupposed wrong, I drop my guess and try again. But, there is a good chance that if my question is related to the person’s eye patterns, it is going to be fairly close to what is going on.

Of course, there are other things that Eye Accessing Cues are good for – but for me, this is the thing that I do most with them – ask better questions!

So, how do you learn how to watch eye movement AND listen to a conversation? Well, start with TV. Turn the volume down and just watch eye movements until you can easily and unconsciously know what it means, then turn the sound back up and continue the task while you listen to words and watch the eyes. With practice, this skill with come quickly and have a lifetime benefit!

Remember – you can’t identify someone’s Primary Representational System from eye moments, its’ not a very useful tool for building rapport and it isn’t magic. What it IS, is a great tool for communication and understanding people.

Want to know more? We’ve got a great chapter in our 30 Days to NLP book. You can buy the e-book in PDF or for your Ipad, Kindle or Nook for only $19.95 – or the softcopy version on our website or on Amazon. www.30daystonlp.com. Hey, it’s a great book! And if we don’t tell you about it – how will you know???

Are you going to be on the look out for eye patterns?

The other day, as I was thinking about some additional tools to use to help my trousers fit me better… the thought of Pac-man came into my mind and I’ve been using Pac-man for about a week now and thought I’d share.

This could very well be one of those TMI conversations – as long as you know that, we’ll be fine! I share this because I know that many people have this same issue – too much person to fit into their pants! So far, my Pac-man has been working great! Here’s the scoop:

A few times a day I imagine my very own internal Pac-man. He actually lives somewhere in my abdomen region. When I imagine him, I can see him chomp, chomp, chomping right through any and all excess fat that he comes across. He chomps through my stomach, my thighs, my back, my hips, my arms, my neck, my chin, my cheeks… He just eats and eats and eats. I have very simple instructions for him: eat all of the extra fat, unnecessary cells, bad bacteria or infections and then just flush it out through my urine and poo.

Here’s the TMI part – for the past few days while I’m in the bathroom, I know, without a doubt that my Pac-man has been doing wonders! I always flush with a mighty “Thank you Pac-man!!”

As NLPers we know that the mind and body are connected, therefore affect each others. We also know that we are in charge of our mind and therefore our results.

I don’t know if you’ll use a Pac-man or something else… for me, Pac-man works a treat, and when I head to the bathroom later on today, I might even have some arcade music from Pac-man playing in my mind!

A few months ago while working with a client who was ‘tired’ of his job in sales I helped him to see that there were indeed more than one way… In his mind he had to quit his job and find a new profession. This one specifically he had been doing for about 5 years, and previous to that he worked in a different industry doing something different. And now, he was looking to do something again, different. Do you see a pattern?

InNLP Land there is a Meta Program that works with the dichotomy of sameness or difference (matching or mismatching). While questioning this man, I was able to find out that when he was happy in his job he was noticing more of what was going right, what was the same as what he desired in a job, what matched his expectations. And, you guessed it, when he move to an unhappy flow he started to mismatch.

Within our coaching conversation I purposefully had him stretch onto the ‘sameness’ side of the coin and asked him what about his current job matched his desires, what was going right and what matched his expectations. We then started talking about other roles (sales or otherwise) in his current company in the same industry that he could possibly move into rather than jumping to something different and again starting over. Starting over wasn’t out of the question, but the thought of lower pay, learning a new industry or product was not an appealing one. But, if he could find an alternative, some options within the same company with the same products and services but doing something ‘different’ that was much more appealing.

Throwing it all away just to make a change isn’t always the answer. Sometimes, it is a useful task to identify the options that might be right in front of you. After all, there possibly more options than you can shake a stick at!

Have you ever expected nothing at all to change? Or perhaps you have hoped that nothing would change? Well folks, I hate to burst that bubble, but everything changes.

The seasons, or friends, our faces, our health, our speed, our hair (thank goodness!), and it is true – the only certainty in life is change.

Some people, who know that change is inevitable, expect change where they can’t create it – “He/she will change”, “If I change jobs everything else will change”, “my kids will grow out of it”. Sure, these changes might happen, but perhaps you shouldn’t bank on it.

Since change is inevitable, the best kind of changes are the ones we purposefully create. That is, maybe it is best to be the designer of life.

Sure, there is a lot of change out there that we are not in control of. Taxes, interest rates, other drivers on the road, etc. But, we are in control of how we handle these things.

I know people who are very aggravated drivers – they yell at others, get angry at others… and why? Because they are aggravated. Yet, the other driver doesn’t have a clue about it. In fact, the only thing this aggravated person is doing is raising their own blood pressure and putting an extra, unnecessary, strain on themselves. What would be a better way to react? This is infact, the best kind of change a person can aim for – a change that helps to create a different reaction.

One of my favourite (and one of the simplest) NLP tools to help us create a new behaviour is the New Behaviour Generator process. This is ultimately a modelling tool to assist you to step into the shoes of someone else and adopt some of the behaviours that they are doing well that would benefit you. Here’s the gist of it:

1. Stand in a specific spot and imagine yourself in a situation where you could use a new behaviour. Really notice and feel what you are doing, the emotions you are having and any body sensations.
2. Now, step backwards so you can see yourself on a movie screen (really step backwards!) and observe what you are doing, how you are behaving and how other people are reacting.
3. From this position, imagine someone else that you know (or know of) taking your place in this movie, but having more appropriate behaviours. Just watch how they do this.
4. This time, step sideways (left or right, it’s up to you) and step right into this other person. Become this person for a moment. And, as you do this, really notice and feel what you are doing, what emotions you are having and any body sensations.
5. Choose a few appropriate changes that would suit you specifically (all of it might not fit). You can anchor these changes, or make it simple and just remember the feelings and behaviours.
6. Step back into the first position of YOU and take on these new behaviours, emotions, feelings and body sensations. Feel yourself now capable of doing these new behaviours in this situation.
7. Future pace it – imagine a time in the future, where you may have done that old behaviour – what happens instead.

Change is a constant – and we can use this to our advantage. I’m curious – what do you want to change today?

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