I know that for me personally, in my own Heidi world, I’m a bit shy. I have to get into the right state even just to ask a question to a shop assistant… so I’ve been working on my state of insane courage.

Wikipedia defines courage as: the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Courage is acting in spite of fear. Now, I have to say, again for myself – courage is less about fear, pain and danger in my day-to-day life and more about uncertainty. Uncertainty about what someone else will say or do, or the ultimate outcome. Yet, I know for sure that if I never say or do anything I’m only working with my imagination – and that can surely run amok at times!

What I really like are the synonyms of courage – bravery, boldness, fearlessness, mettle, fortitude, or intrepidity. Its usually these types of words that I start to build resource anchors for. I’ve created my own anchor for Insane Courage – I’m still refining it, but it seems to be working awesomely! AND, the best part – it only needs to last for 20 seconds!

More so a few years ago, but there was a time fairly recently that this was a buzz term – “you need to create life work balance”… even now, some of my clients come to me and say “I just need more life work balance”. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which way their scale is leaning – people don’t often say to me something like “you know Heidi, I think I’m living too much, I really need to work more”.

Now, here is what I think of “life work balance” – I think it’s a croc… we don’t need life work balance, we need balance – just balance.

Interestingly, I’ve looked up the definition of Balance – there are many, but mainly relating to accounting, computing, balance beams, tyre balance, equilibrium, chemistry and weight distribution. No where could I find a definition for balance about life. So, here is mine: balance is the art of managing your life so that your values are being met in all areas – work, friendships, family, money, health, etc.

If I could draw what an unbalanced life/work balance would look like it would be like this for most people:

 But – isn’t work just a part of life? Its not a separate entity is it? Well, maybe it is, but perhaps its not supposed to be? Maybe its supposed to be LIFE as the main aspect – and then there are subparts to life – like family, work, money, health, etc.  Maybe its supposed to look like this:

One thing I ask, if you do insist on continuing to use the term “work life balance” could you at least change it to “life work balance”?

Now – I invite you to take a step out of the bubble of life and swap it around – make LIFE priority number one and everything else comes after that!

Anyway – one of the main tools that is taught and mastered by many in Trance Camp is Centering. That is, finding and connecting with your Center.

We each have our own way to center, our own way of grounding ourselves and coming “home” to ourselves. When you are in your center – nothing can push you, move you, manipulate or hurt you. This perhaps is another way of saying “congruent”.

According to Steve, if you are anxious, scared, depressed, hurt, angry, annoyed, etc., these are just signs and communication from your unconscious mind that you have moved away from your center. There are four ‘mantras’ that you can use when you recognize that you are not in your center:

1. That’s interesting
2. I’m sure this makes sense
3. Something is trying to heal or transform
4. Welcome

When we are able to truly welcome that that has taken us out of our center we become in control again. For example, this past weekend I was away with some friends. A hotel we were booked into didn’t have our reservations and I could feel myself getting very angry and frustrated. I noticed these feelings and recognized that I was letting the outside situation dictate my emotions – I welcomed this feeling, realized that something was trying to heal, identified that it made sense to feel this way and noted “that’s interesting”, and then came back to my center. From there, I was able to handle the situation with ease, clarity and calmness.

The key of centering is not to be in your center 24 hours a day – that would be an impossible task. Rather, the key is to notice when you are not in your center and step back into it. Its not about how long you stay there, its about how quickly you can come back.

Here is a simple test about your center.

1. Have a friend with you and stand up and think about something that makes you angry, or sad or frustrated.
2. Have your friend push your shoulder and see if they can knock you off balance. (it will be pretty easy)
3. Now, stand with your center engaged – and again think about something that makes you angry, or sad or frustrated.
4. Have your friend push your shoulder and see if they can knock you off balance. (if you are in your center, you should be very hard to knock over)
5. Try it again! And, share with friends

 Life has many twists and turns! We can’t always manage those, but we can manage our own state, our own emotions and our own choices.

I work with a lot of people in my coaching practice who are trying to get these things (and more) by doing something. For example “I’ll be happy when I get a new house” or “I’ll be free when I work for myself”… Interestingly, when we put conditions on anything our unconscious mind creates a new set of rules that we then live by. Really, if a person says that they’ll be happy when they get a new house – do they really mean that they won’t be happy until then? No, probably not. But, the unconscious mind is extremely intelligent and takes everything literally.

Would you like to know the true key to ultimate happiness and understanding?

I don’t know.

That’s the answer. I don’t know. I don’t know how much more happy you can be tomorrow than today. I don’t know how much more freedom you can find in your life right now. I don’t know how much joy you can get just by reading this blog post. I don’t know.

Famous words from Dr. Milton Erickson. I don’t know.

Listen to what these words do… I don’t know if you can feel happiness now, true happiness. It presupposes something… it provides a very flexible frame that can truly unlock the potential and possibility in anything. There are no rules, boundaries or expectations when you don’t know. Its actually a great answer! (of course, its kind of annoying when your 10 year old says it!)

I don’t know gives you permission to not know – to live in an ambiguious moment, to be free from the need for certainty. This allows your unconscious mind to do a trance derivational search for possibilities – and as you know, your unconscious mind can always provide more options for you than your conscious mind.

So, I don’t know how much you’ve gotten out of this post… and I don’t know how you can come up with more options for yourself next time you are stuck… and I don’t know how often you can become even more comfortable with not knowing, but I do know this:

Not knowing is the key to understanding.

We each have a map of our world – this tells us where we are going, where we’ve been, what we want, what is important to us, what we will and won’t stand for. This map was and is continually created by our surroundings, the people in our lives, our education, financial standing, location, etc. I can guarantee you that living in a busy city like Sydney, Australia creates a different map for me as compared to living in a slow paced place like near a beach in Tahiti.

Our maps are changeable.

Millions of years ago it was thought that the earth was made up of just one continent, the supercontinent of Paglia… and over time, the map changed. Maps change.

Perhaps you’ve heard of brain placicity? If not, have a look for a book called “The Brain that Changes Itself”. Our brain is forever changing, the past is the past – the future hasn’t yet happened and life takes us on a journey that we’re not always expecting. As you know – its not what happens to us in life, its how we handle what has happened.

One of my current coaching clients is going through a separation with his wife that is likely to end in divorce; he doesn’t really understand what has happened and keeps saying “she’s not the same person I married”. No, she’s not. Life has happened. And somewhere along the way, she changed. Actually, there is a great saying “people don’t change, they become more of who they really are” (said by Dr. Heidi herself!) – and I truly do believe that.

Our maps change – they take us on different paths, we learn new things, overcome challenges, fall in love, fall out of love, start and end things – and everything helps to mold and create a map.

The challenge of all of this is – how do you manage your expectations about another persons map when it changes? The ultimate answer – you support, love and hold in high regard the person and the map they have and will have. You can’t push anyone or anything toward you – anytime you try, you’re pushing them away.

Remember – you are not who you were when you were 4 years old, and in 10 years you will not be who you are today. You, like me, like all of us are a work in progress.

Is it just a choice thing? I think a few generations ago it was just that – a choice thing… or rather, a must thing. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that marriage was a must for so many things and divorce just wasn’t something that is done.

But now days, things are different. Its not so uncommon for people to be married, (or at least in a committed domestic relationship) a few times in their lives. So, choice still could be an ingredient for long lasting relationships. So could intimacy, respect, trust, commitment, friendship, companionship, growth, etc.

From what I’ve found in my practice, if people are willing to work on their relationship if its not so great (and even work on it when things are great) then all of this can be rebuilt and repaired if damaged. But, sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes people don’t have any steam left in their engine to keep working at it. Sometimes people can rebuild everything and still there is no spark.

Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs believes he knows the answer. The ingredient that will keep a relationship strong even through the rough patches, and from understanding his work – I think he’s right. What is that ingredient?

Love.

Let’s be more specific – romantic love… not the love you have for a pet or friend. Not the love you have for a family member or your favourite t-shirt. Romantic love. This doesn’t presuppose sparks, fireworks and endless nights of pining over each other (but, hey, it might happen!). It does presuppose that there is a desire of some romantic sort however. Whatever Romantic means to you.

An interesting concept that Dr. Harley brings up – if a couple is missing love, or if they have fallen out of love, it can be rebuilt. He talks a lot about conditioned responses and triggers which either fill up or deplete a persons Love Bank.

Let’s put this into NLP terms…

Imagine you have a Love Bank – when it is filled more than half way you have feelings of love; when it is more than half empty you have the opposite feelings. If you have read The 5 Love Languages they talk about a similar concept (maybe I’ll look at this later in the month…) but with the 5 Love Languages you have to be using someone’s specific love language to fill up the love tank… and they don’t really talk about it getting depleted – which is why I really like Dr. Harley’s concepts (combined with the Love Languages!).

As NLPers we know about Anchors (a stimulus that creates a response) and we know that anchors are often created over time. A negative anchor is an anchor that elicits an unwanted or negative response – it is these negative anchors that deplete our Love Bank! And, if there are too many negative anchors, a person’s Love Bank can run dry. Conversely, if there are plenty of positive resourceful anchors, a person’s Love Bank might overflow! (this is a good thing!!)

A few examples of a negative anchor might be a partner leaving their dirty dishes by the sink, or not caring enough to ask how their day was or being critical or grumpy. Although these behaviours are from someone else, how we respond to them is up to us.

What I have found wonderful with clients is that we have a great NLP tool called Collapsing Anchors. This is a very simple and wonderful process that helps us to get rid of negative and unwanted anchors. So, instead of getting frustrated at your husbands ‘lazy behaviour’ or your wife’s ‘incessant’ nagging… you can just take it and leave it in a nonchalant manner. Those things that used to bug you can just be let go of.

And how about the positives? Even if we stop some of the negative anchors – we still need to have bank deposits! So, this is about enhancing the current positive anchors and even creating some new anchors! With NLP you can create anchors – so whenever he gives you that smile or when she asks how your day was, these can be anchors for a positive response and a deposit in the bank.

With more deposits than withdrawals, love can be built, maintained and even recovered!

Hey – we might have actually found a way to make someone fall in love with you!!! Just find out what fills their love bank – do/say those things and viola! Love!

I hear these ‘excuses’ time and time again from people all around me. We are in a fast paced world and we want instant results. Just last night I bought a new book for my kindle and it wasn’t there within 15 seconds and I wondered if my purchase went through. After a few more ‘refreshes’ the book was magically in its place approximately 20 seconds after purchasing it.

This got me wondering: am I as impatient with normal life as I am with technology?

Generally speaking, no. I think in general I’m pretty patient – I know that everything comes with its own timing and as long as I’m engaged and active, I’ll get what I’m working toward.

A gentleman called our office the other day to enquire about NLP training. He asked me what my thoughts were about the Law of Attraction. I told him that I full heartedly know that the Law of Attraction works. He was quiet for a moment and then told me that he didn’t believe in it. I asked him what there was to “believe in” – it’s a law. What you put your focus on is what you get.

Now, here’s a bit of Heidi-vice… to me the Law of Attraction isn’t about THINGS its about energy. If I put my focus on a new car – most likely a new car isn’t going to show up in my driveway. But – I may manifest the desire for a new car enough that my energy keeps money in my bank long enough that I can buy the new car. At the very least I may put enough energy out there that I identify the kind of new car that I want.

Here’s what this guy didn’t get – once the energy is right, then it is my turn to take over. It becomes my turn to provide action. And, sometimes that action takes a while.

Lets take weight loss as an example. Most (not all) people can identify with this one. If I want to lose 10 pounds, unless I do something dramatic like cut off a limb its going to take time. Most people however want to see a dramatic result without a dramatic effort. So many people want to see the weight gone (and stay gone) without actually doing anything. I can hold my focus and vision and desire of reducing my weight by 10 pounds for as long as I can – yet without action, nothing is going to happen. And, without perseverance of that action, really nothing is going to happen.

A few weeks ago I met a woman who was on this exact journey. She claimed that every diet, exercise program, etc. didn’t work. When I asked her how long she persevered with any one specific thing, her longest stint was just over 4 weeks. She had been losing some weight, just “not enough”. What she was missing was this: she was losing weight!!! It might have taken her a whole year to put on 5 pounds, and it might take her a couple of months to get rid of it.

The same thing goes for parenting – I met a couple not long ago who wanted some new motivational techniques for their children. A few weeks later the mother called me telling me the techniques weren’t working. I asked how long they had implemented them for “oh, about a week”. It took all of my professional skills to not hang up on her! I figured I needed to use a bit of my own advice and be persistent with her.

Oh, about a week.

What actually gets done in a week? What new habits or behaviours have you ever mastered in a week? Learning to walk took longer than that. So did writing. And tying your shoes. Driving a car, playing an instrument, talking, speaking another language, making your bed. All of these things took longer than one week – probably longer than a month or two.

Depending on what book or website you read, it is said that creating a new habit takes between 10-30 attempts. Personally, I subscribe to 10-13 tries. This means, I need to persevere through 10-13 consistent times of something before it becomes a habit. For some people this might mean 10-13 days of going to the gym in a row before it becomes a habit. For some people it might be 10-13 weeks. This is exactly the reason why if a person goes to the gym for example, inconsistently 2-3 times a week it never becomes a habit. I know I’d be a lot more likely to go to the gym if I consistently made it on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next 10-13 weeks. Or, if I just went consistently every day for the next 10-13 days. It helps to get it into my muscle. It helps to get my focus and energy in the right place.

What I cannot do, and get results is to just put my mindset out there. It is a good place to start – but afterall, a goal without action will always remain just a dream.

Today, I’d like to share a little bit more about me. The purpose of doing so will hopefully get you to look inside of you and find out what is going to help get you out of your comfort zone and onto the track that will get you to your goals this year.

With my love of Heidi-Time, I find it very easy to get caught in the trap of just relaxing and lounging at home, very comfortable with my own company and my own space. Many years ago a relationship ended and I went into seclusion – not purposefully, but I found safe things to do on my own. As a result, I’m now Dr. Heidi, but also as a result I found myself quite lonely at times. Even introverts get lonely!

I did what I could to get out of my house, but would traditionally end up back on my own, with a DVD, a book or the internet for great entertainment. Looking at the ‘wheel of life’ we often use in NLP Land, every area of my life was going well, with one glaring exception – relationships. Now, my relationship with myself is good. And, my relationship with my family is good. But, my friendships with local people, not so good.

A couple of years ago I found out about a website called meetup.com – it was started in New York after 9-11 to create communities of people as support networks. Since then it has grown globally and has tons of different types of communities to get involved in. I joined Meetup.com and went to a few different activities. But, my somewhat un-useful patterns would kick in – the pattern of least resistance for me was to stay in my comfort zone – and that meant staying home. Although I met a few great people, it was easier to stay at home than to go have THAT conversation (where are you from, where do you live, what do you do…).

So, in September of 2011 I decided to start my own Meetup. 4 months on and I have 515 new ‘friends’ – most of whom I have met at some event. We are the fastest growing Meetup group in Australia at the moment and we have fun! I organise and host at least one event each week – sometimes two depending on what is going on. As few as 8 (only once, on the first Meetup) and as many as 76 people have done various things like going to the movies, dinner, lunch, drinks, walks, burlesque, etc. and, we even had a New Years Eve party! This coming weekend I currently have 110 people registered to come to a Sydney Festival event! Amazing!

I’ve been commended and thanked by the people in the group. Yesterday at a drinks/lunch event on Cockatoo Island a new guy commented “I’ve been to a lot of Meetups before, but this is the first one with ‘real’, authentic people”. I love that! I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone and I’ve done something to create more balance in my life. Sure, I’m confident and can be quite outgoing – but putting myself out there is sometimes a challenge. One thing I know for sure – not only is this experiment of “getting Heidi out of her house” helping me, it is helping so many other people to get out of their house, make friends, get involved in community and get out of their comfort zones.

I can guarantee that for the first few Meetups I hosted I had to use a lot of NLP State Management tools and calm my nerves. But now, I know that I’ll see some of my new friends that I am getting to know and I’ll meet a few new people and have THAT conversation. I also know that there is a lot more balance in my life. There is also a lot more food and alcohol, but that’s OK!

For a while I’ve been trying to find a hobby, but everything I could think of was a very ‘alone’ kind of hobby… now I have a hobby I didn’t intend – socialising.

What can you do that pushes you outside of your comfort zone and onto the track for achieving your goals, making your life even better and letting yourself soar?

I’ve found that there are four main ways people handle endings. Not one is better than the other, perse – just different. And if your way works for you, then keep it. If not, we’ve got these great skills within NLP that can help us to challenge our current patterns of thought, behaviour and emotion.

When something ends, we have to let our unconscious mind have time to create a new map. Remember one of the NLP Presuppositions – the map is not the territory. However, our map is our reality at any given moment. Let’s take a relationship as an example. Jane is in romantic relationship with Mark that is going well (at least for her). She has ideas, dreams and aspirations for the future with this Mark, and at least for the foreseeable future knows that they will be together for a long time. This is the map she has created about the relationship and the future with Mark. However, one day – out of the blue, Mark breaks up with Jane. Apparently he’s just “not that into her”.

What’s happened to her map? Her ideas, dreams and aspirations about the future? Well, it still exists. This is why some endings hurt. Jane’s map is no longer aligned with a new map that has been forced upon her. Grief, anger, sadness and many other emotions are necessary to help her to rearrange her map – or even to throw out the old and accept the new. Another NLP Presupposition to bring in here – every emotion is useful in some context.

Some people do this rearranging better than others.

While looking at different ways to handle endings, lets look at the characteristics of the behaviours we can see:

Cave Dweller

The Cave Dweller is the person who hunkers down on his or her own in order to rearrange their map. This might be escaping to their personal ‘cave’, retreating to their own inner world of thoughts and feelings or even physically escaping by hopping in the car or on a plane to other destinations. This often helps people to get a grip on their thoughts, emotions and behaviours. For some, this cave dwelling tends to look a lot like depression. If it does, then maybe it would be useful to try a different tactic.

Party Animal

The Party Animal is the person who goes out of their way to ‘forget’ the pain by escaping into a world of people and things. This might include over indulgence in food or alcohol for some. Again, this approach works for some by helping them to create a new map by living in it. For some, this approach looks and feels like denial. If it is really denial, a different approach might be warranted.

Explorer

The explorer does just that… explores. He or she explores their role in the ending (whatever the ending) and often proactively explores options. They will not often be sitting still just thinking or ruminating about what has happened, but will be more likely to looking at the past to learn from for future endeavours. The saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss” is a good one for the Explorer.

Just Another Day

The Just-Another-Day person looks like the ultimate in handling change. They tend to “roll with the punches” and move on quite easily. Often people view this person as somewhat cold or uncaring – but it is just how they progress. Some of these folks have a great ability to process information easily and learn from the past. However, if this person encounters the same kind of endings time and time again, this might mean that they are not learning how do navigate through life based on their lessons and using a different pattern might come in handy.

How do you navigate changes, in particular endings? On a personal note – I know that I’ve always been more of a Cave Dweller. I know that this only works for me up to a point – at the moment, thanks to my NLP skills and desire to do something a little different, I’m employing more of an Explorer approach. So far, so good.

When we do something well that serves us, that is a great opportunity to thank our unconscious mind and welcome our own true greatness. And, when we do something that doesn’t always serve us, this is a great opportunity to take stock and take notice of what we could do a bit differently that will help us to truly be the best we can be.

Have you noticed any other styles of handling endings? If so, please share! It’s great to learn!!

At this time of year, there is a lot talk about “what are you thankful for?”  And this is a good question. At least once a year there is a pointed question that is asking us to take stock of the goodness and life and to give thanks.

However, maybe there is a better question this year: “How are you thankful to you?”

Its great to be thankful for the home you live in, the job you do, the friends you have, and the people in your life. Yet, without the essence of YOU there wouldn’t be anything to be thankful for.

So – How are you thankful to you?

Here are some of mine – I’m thankful for a creative and swift mind. I’m thankful for my health, my humility and my humbleness. I’m thankful for my ability to learn quickly and be resourceful in many situations. I’m thankful for my communication skills and my ability to reach others and to be open enough to be reached. I’m thankful for my relationship skills and the ability to understand and be understood. I’m thankful for my body and its way of keeping me healthy and safe. I’m thankful for my interests in the mind and wellbeing – without that, I wouldn’t be where I am in life. And I am very thankful for my computer skills and my eagerness to embrace new things to learn.

Sure – I’m also thankful for the ‘stuff’ I have outside of me – but, without the acknowledgement of the ‘stuff’ I have inside of me, the outside isn’t nearly as beautiful.

I’m reminded of the saying “If its meant to be, its up to me”. I’m thankful that I am in charge of my mind and therefore my results.

How about you? How are you thankful to you?